Hey Mum & Dad,
I know we had an interesting conversation last Saturday, and knowing my loving parents, i am sure that you are a little-bit worried about my state of mind. Everything, well at least all that i can remember, was true. I feel very lonely here and i don't really understand what being American entails, and even though I am American there seem to be certain requirements that are needed in order to completely embrace or be embraced in this culture. Unfortunately, I lack and have no desire to embrace these ideals that is, in some ways, required in order to be fully accepted as an American instead of the kid who is a FOB (Fresh off the Boat).
Do not misunderstand me, I do love America, but the America I love is that from the view of a visitor. The large rocks at Yosemite, the serene downward flow of the waterfalls at Yellowstone, and the deep blue of Crater lake. I have been very fortunate in this lifetime to be able to see the country because of both your willingness to show us America; however, i am not American. I may not be Nepali either, i know that, but that is where I feel at home.
The idea of 'home' is a funny idea because it is a state of mind, and to say that a certain place is your home is to deny the force of human migration that has created our globalized world and allowed for dad to meet you mum.
Yet, I also believe in Aristotle's habituation theory, and that fact is that I have been habituated to believe that Nepal is my home. When I came to America, I told people my home is Nepal. When I went to boarding school, I told people my home is Nepal. When I came to college, my home remained as Nepal.
So what am I supposed to do? All i know is what i have told the world, and if I accept the possibility of America being my home then what becomes of the fact that I have stated, throughout my life, that Nepal is my home? It will have been a lie to the world and therefore myself, because, if you really love and believe in your home, then it becomes difficult to run away from it. And, to be honest, i have done enough running.
Furthermore, ever since I have been a kid, I have been told that I should graduate from high school then go to college, and that is what I have done. Actually, I feel that i have accomplished more than that, I have earned the right to go to one of the best schools in America. I have made sacrifices that I do not regret, going to NMH and repeating my 11th grade year. Yet, now I feel that I am making another sacrifice, the sacrifice of getting a college education instead of being in the place that I consider home trying to do something.
I miss you two, my parents, the people who make me feel comfortable for who i am and have accepted all the personas that i have taken up throughout my life (the confused little kid, the athlete in high school, the boarding school student, the stoner, and now, back to my roots, the confused college kid/teenager/adult), and i really appreciate it because you two, when many other parents would have said no, have supported me throughout my life.
But now, i don't know if i really want this anymore, i feel useless. Here i just study and party, but i don't really get to experience the life i want to live. Otherwise i really don't see the point of living, not in a depressing way, just in a matter-of-fact way. Because what is the point of staying in a country where i would make the most negligible amount of difference? That doesn't invigorate me, and neither does money, which seems to be the reason that most people come here to get their Georgetown degree. So what am i supposed to do, continue living for ideals that don't represent me? No. I refuse, and I know this might just be a phase but life is full of phases.
Also, there is the case of Leah, my beloved sister whom i never see but once or, if i am lucky, twice a year for maybe two/three months. What type of brother is that? I do not want to miss her childhood. I don't want to be someone who is just considered a brother because that is what she has been told.
How do you expect for someone to truly love another human being if they don't spend moments together, because, at the end of the day, all that a relationship between two people is, is the moments that have created together. It is the Aristotelian idea of habituation. Love can only be habituated through the creation of moments and memories.
I have lost my faith in the idea of love, not that it doesn't exist, but that our, or at least my, ideal it is wrong. It cannot just occur, there is no such thing as love at first sight, only habituated love that culminates in the use of the word "love" towards another human in order to encapsulate the memories and experiences that you have experience with each other.
I love you guys. I don't say that to many people, but to you, I mean it. And i know, sometimes i don't communicate, and it takes a little bit of a stimulant for me to open up, but that is because i don't feel a desire to connect without another person being in vicinity of my body and mind.
Anyway, i just wanted to write to you guys, so you didn't feel too worried and so my thoughts could have a semblance of clarity without the incoherence that is usually instituted through the use of alcohol.
Hope this helped,
Much love, -J
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